I can't believe it's not vodka!

Ant Apocalyse

My roommate and I (mostly my roommate) have been killing ants in my office/spare room all week.  I don't mind killing ants, because everyone knows they are communist, and it is only behooving of capitalist American swine to try to stamp out the little communist bastards before their little society takes hold in my condo.  It is like a little satellite war going on my home, and I am doing my red-blooded patriotic duty.  I also don't mind killing them because as Lisa says, "There are plenty of them around."  God forbid I should be plagued with some endangered species of ant, and then PETA would file a court injunction allowing them free roam of my home.

I should have known what was to come last week when I caught one of the little red (they are actually black, but you get my meaning) bastards employing some recon in my kitchen.  I let him live, and that was my first mistake.  He must have spotted some dry cereal on my counter and ran back to report his findings to headquarters.  Next thing you know, Lisa is spraying raid all over my office to where I thought it was her new perfume.  If you want my advice on battling ants, I find it adds to the intimidation factor if you scream "DIE!!!" as you are blasting them with raid, but always leave one alive to tell the tale.  This spreads fear and paranoia back at the hive.  After the raid attack, the little guys just kept coming.  They stowed away in Lisa's work bag so that they could infiltrate the management company that she works for.  They had a very organized assault plan, and came spilling out of her bag as soon as she set in down in her cube, but they hadn't employed enough reconnaissance to know that she had a bottle of Windex handy to end their pagan communist existence.  They may be able to lift 100 times their body weight, but they are no match for a little window cleaner.  So after that battle, we decided to up our arsenal.  I went to the store and got some "ant baits" that promised to kill the queen, the king, the jesters and all the members of the court.  It is surely going to look like the final scene of Hamlet back at the old ant homestead if half of what is claimed on that box turns out to be true.  I will keep all of you updated, let me know if you have any advice on how to kill these godless heathen insects. 

Nigerian Bank Fraud

  Have you ever found yourself wondering...  Should I let someone from Nigeria wire money into my account so that I can wire it to a third destination?  In case you ever do, I can tell you the answer to that question is always no.  I started talking to a girl in my extended network on myspace.  After a little getting to know you stuff, she gives me her phone number, and it is an international number in Nigeria.  I used to work at a bank, and I know that Nigeria has schools that teach credit card fraud, among other things.  So I am waiting for her to hit me up for cash, and lo and behold, she hit me up today.  Here is the conversation:Download bose.txt

I personally know a guy who lost $13,000 to one of these scams.  I saw all of the documents.  They never actually wired the money in, they deposited a check they printed up from another of the bank's customer's accounts, a money market account.  These scammers know that the money market account only gets statements quarterly, so that the person they took the money from wouldn't see that their money was missing for awhile.  They also know that if they deposit the money from another account in the same bank the money is available immediately.  So my friend sees the money is available in his account, and so he wires it out.  The bank catches the error and he is left holding the bag for THIRTEEN GRAND.

When she started to talk to me like I was stupid, I was on the phone with secret service in a heartbeat.  That is why I say "Hold on" there at the end, I wanted to see what they were going to say.  The secret service can't do anything, because after all, she is in Nigeria.  OUT...

Great moments in Kung Fu History

I wish, deep down inside, that just one time someone would try to fight me and then do this.

I wish, just once that someone would pick a fight with me and I would do this.

I wish, just once, that I could be the one to pick the fight, with the right person, and do this.

I don't even know what to say about this.

SOMETHING IS MISSING

It has occurred to me lately, very profoundly, that something is absent.  What is absent is one of those things that you may get a glimpse of once in a lifetime, but never forget, because of its beauty.  The thing that is missing is honest artistic communication.  Modern media is so concerned with establishing theme and plot and storyline and laughs that they miss what is most important:  MESSAGE.  The world is adrift in information, but utterly devoid of message.  The world need not be a sound and fury signifying nothing, it may indeed be capable of signifying something.  HOLD ON.  Conan O'Brien just said some funny shit.  He just said:  A:  C3PO was given a lifetime achievement award by Gay Robot magazine, and B:  Billy Bob Thornton said that having sex with Angelina Jolie was like having sex with a couch.  BILLY BOB THORNTON IS A LIAR! PLEASE GOD DON'T MAKE IT BE TRUE.  LEAVE ME MY ILLUSIONS, IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS....   Okay I am back now, rocking in the fetal position really is therapeutic. 

So anyway, when I write about what I consider message to mean, I mean when you watch a movie, hear a song, and feel an honest, sincere communication.  Something is exchanged between you and the artist.  These special artists know how to send more than words, more than notes, more than images, they betray that they actually feel connected to other people and can feel their joy and pain.  YOU ARE THEIR INSTRUMENT.  They play you, and you thank them.  This is how I felt a few Wednesdays ago at the John Legend/Joss Stone Concert at Wolf Trap.  (Download "Right to be Wrong" by Joss, and "Ordinary People" by John) 

I want more communication.  I want more connection.  I want more deep understanding of the human condition.  I don't want overproduced b.s. that only holds my attention by spectacle alone.  They say a good book reads you, and I want to feel understood on a deep level, and know that I understand someone else, on a deep level, and that they aren't just doing it for the money. 

So, what the reader should be able to deduce from this is:  I am a big fan of the indy film (Secretary), I am a big fan of the sleeper film, the film that opens to shit and lasts forever at the box office through word of mouth (Good Will Hunting) of unhappy endings when they are honest and/or noble (Sin City).  I would rather be transported then distracted, in short, I am exclaiming:  in my definition of taste, I have it.  So if anyone shares my view, check out these works if you haven't already:

American Splendor, American Beauty, Secretary, The Seven Samurai, Dave Matthews Band: Crash, Genghis Blues (Movie), Deadwood (Series on HBO), LOST... 

In my opinion, all of the above break the formula.  They represent a certain level of risk on the part of the business side of music/movies, they aren't just trying to fill seats but trying to build something with actual meaning, so that you, the audience, don't feel short-changed in the end, that you didn't just waste your time....and feel somewhat satisfied, that what you consumed was far short of oversold.

Holy Crap: The Weekend in Review

Okay, so my new roommate from England talked me into going to get pedicures.  Great idea.  So there we are, seated next to each other reading magazines, one foot in the soothing water, ahh, relaxation.  The little asian woman is removing a callous from my toe with a gentle slicing motion with a razor..  slice...  slice ...  SLICE!  Now I am bleeding.  My girl looks at Lisa's girl and says something that sounded like "BANK BANK BONK BONK" to which Lisa's girl replies "BONK BONK BANK BANK!"  I think that means "Did we pay our insurance?"  or "Please don't fire me."  I finally get myself calmed down and then I hear my voice scream "OW!"  She replies "I had to pull it out..."  I look to down to see that my girl was performing emergency surgery on an ingrown toenail, and I think she must have been using a hacksaw. Think that's it?  No, wait, there's more!  One minute later she is trimming what is I am guessing is dry skin from my next to my nails with something that looks like a cross between a tweezer and scissors with which she accidently rips my live skin off.  So I spent Saturday limping around, I felt like someone had run over my foot with a garden weasel.  So to up the ante, we decide to go to silver diner. 

So, we are at the diner, and lo and behold, we enter the twilight zone again.  Our waiter arrives and removes the extra stuff off of the table and then goes to get our drinks.  I look at Marc with a freaked out look on my face.  "What in God's name was that on our waiter's arm?"  He had a mole the size of a quarter on his arm, sort of flattened out, with something like triple the hair per inch count of the rest of his arm.  It sort of looked at first like a hairy leach was attached to wrist.  So Marc starts doing the Austin Powers thing... "Mole... Holy Moly... Guacamole..." which would have been funny if Lisa knew what we were talking about.  She starts saying "What do you mean by Holy Moly Guacamole..."  REALLY LOUD.  The waiter is only two tables away so I shoosh Lisa and look out of the corner of my eye at the waiter.  So she says REAALLY LOUD "What?  He is like two tables away!"   Now he has got to be sure that we are talking about him.  We might as well go ahead and order loogie sandwiches with bum soup.  He shows up to drop off our food, and I kid you not, the guy has a pickle on his shoulder.  It's one of those pickles that are sliced thin to fit on a sandwich, so it looks like a green tongue just sitting there.  Marc, leaps on this one.  He says calmly "Dude, you have a pickle on your shoulder."  The waiter says, "Thanks" and walks away.  He later explains that it was some kind of initiation thing, I am guessing some sort of silver diner hazing ritual.  They probably make him drink a bunch creamers or something before they let him leave.  I pretty much boycotted the fourth, I spent the evening having drinks (Negra Modelos) on the patio of Rio Grande.  How unpatriotic of me...  I am sure I will be hearing from Johnny USA on this one...

RAMBLE: An ode to a friend

....so whenever I run, my right leg hurts.  My ankle hurts, my knee hurts, my hip hurts....  oh, yeah, and my back hurts too.  I think it is because my right leg is shorter than the left one... I think running on a NASCAR track would help, because you know, it's elevated on the one side... a lot of southerners like NASCAR... they probably can't wait till the Dukes of Hazzard movie comes out... They probably just want to see Jessica Simpson, she really isn't all that hot, I think Britney is better, I don't know why she married that guy, my friend is getting married, did I tell you that?  She wants me to be in the wedding, but I can't afford it right now...  I want to play Mariah Carey at my wedding, but not that one song, you know the one that goes duh duh duh, I don't like that part...Don't get me wrong, I so don't want to get married right now, I mean, it's not like I have a boyfriend, I talked to Eric last night, but he is acting wierd, we sleep in the same bed all the time and he bought me flowers, but we are just friends, do you think he likes me?  I don't think so, we are just friends.  OH MY GOD, I totally forgot to tell you this, I woke up the other morning, and I totally couldn't find my socks, so I go into my roommates room, and she doesn't have them, so I put on another pair, and then Amanda called and I talked to her for a minute, but I had to go because I had to go to work.  So I got ready, but I couldn't find my car keys, and then I found them in my pants so I left.  So I get to work and there in my email is an email from this guy who I haven't talked to in forever, and he is telling me how he thinks I am hot, and it is from like 4 in the morning, he was probably drunk, and he has a girlfriend, but his girlfriend isn't hot...

Must See MPG

I have a little guilty pleasure in my life:  Watching people suffer for doing stupid things. I know it can't be healthy. At least it is not that I like watching stupid people suffer, I have compassion for those who can't help it.  But when I see someone who should know better suffer for being moronic, it gives me a little tingle.  This stems from a few facts in my life.  A) Whenever I do something stupid, like going out of the house without my driver's license, I get pulled over in seconds.  I hardly ever seem to get away with anything.  B) I am constantly witnessing THE MOST ignorant of people performing the most ignorant acts, and not suffering any consequences.  Therefore, videos like these really give me a thrill, and remind me that there may be justice in this world after all.  Here is the first one.  Be sure to check out the version at the bottom labeled "The arrest with commentary."  The officer says "Suspect exits the vehicle..." If you are unconvinced that this lady deserves what happened to her, view the first two videos leading up to the event, and then think about what can happen to an officer when she tries to speed away and he is half in the car trying to subdue her. 

Here is the second file...  Download bumperhit.wmv  This is instant Karma when someone tries to lean out of the car to slap a kid riding a bike, not for the easily rattled.

Batman Begins

Checked out the movie last night and I hate to say it, but I think it is at least comparable if not better than Spiderman.  I appreciate when filmmakers respect the place of comic book heroes as modern myth.  This movie is darker, the hero struggles a great deal more, and has more human failings. This is the telling of the story of the Dark Knight (not so much the Batman from the show, but the one from the Frank Miller graphic novels, Miller also authored Sin City) and it gives this hero a heart and a back story that has explanatory power, helps us understand him and what drives him, and how we walks the line between being the hand of vengeance and justice.  I also admire the makers of this movie for not relying too much on CGI.  For those of you who have seen the trailers, specifically the one with Katie Holmes a little too terrified to be riding in the batmobile, don't worry there is an explanation.  She doesn't do a bad acting job in this film, far from it.  Her character could be described as the moral rock of the movie.  There are many big names in this one, and it is testament to the saying "There are no small parts, only small actors."  Rutger Hauer is in it, with only a handful of lines, but the movie would be completely different without him. 

There are a ton of villians in this film too, all working together.  These villians reside at all the different levels of corruption within Gotham, making the movie as much a story about the fabled city as it is about the hero protecting it.  None of the villians are particularly over the top, which is something I have always disliked in these kinds of movies.  So, if you want to see a really well thought out hero movie, go see this one while it is still in the theater.

Is this actually reality?

I had on experience on Sunday that made me think, for a second, that I was in a David Lynch film.  Marc and I were waiting in line at Silver Diner for a table.  An older couple walked in, went to the front of the line, and were promptly seated before the hostess even acknowledged our presence.  It gets weirder.  A host greets us in a Russian accent, and shows us to our table.  As we are being seated he tells us: "The appetizer is...  orange juice, and for dessert: orange juice."  I looked at him with my confused hangover face.  "No, wait, for dessert: orange juice," he says, more convinced, and walks away.  I thought "Oh, that explains it, you had me confused for a minute there."  So I order hot tea, and Marc orders coffee, and of course, the appetizer: orange juice.  The host comes back with a cup of hot water and four creamers. He gives Marc the hot water, and the creamers to me.  Then he comes back with a cup of coffee and a tray of lemons.  Then he comes back, again, with two tea bags and the appetizer, orange juice.  By this time, Marc and I are just staring at each other in complete disbelief.  I have nothing on my side of the table except for a bowl of creamers and two tea bags, Marc has hot water, lemons, a cup of coffee, and of course, orange juice.  The waitress finally appears.  "Are you two ready to order?"  We both reply that we are, and she WALKS AWAY.  I swear.  After she finally takes our order(I had french toast, Marc had eggs) two random ladies stop by with food.  "Who ordered the waffles?"  "No one ordered waffles, I had french toast..." I replied.  She drops a plate of french toast in front of me and Marc's eggs in front of him.  The waitress calls out to the host across the restaurant:  "What is the appetizer today?"  "ORANGE JUICE!" he yells back confidently.   

E-Bay Redefines Value

This guy just made over $15,000 on eBay selling a piece of toast on which he had scratched a portrait of Jennifer Wilbanks, the runaway Georgia bride.  He wasn't blessed enough to look down and see the virgin mary's face on a grilled cheese he made (which only sold for about 14,000 more if I am not mistaken.)  I can understand a guy getting money for a styrofoam cup he claims Elvis drank from, but this item represents nothing other than a man's grasp of the absurd, a grasp which I share.  God bless him, and God help me to come up with an idea just as good.  I was going to ask for people to comment on ideas for items, but anyone who reads this blog I assume is already among the caliber of person intelligent enough to keep ideas like that to themselves for their own ventures.  However, that being said, if anyone has any ideas, let me know.  Here are a few I am kicking around:

1.  Condolezza Rice's name on a grain of rice.

2.  A baby shirt that says "I shizzled my dizzles" on the front.

3.  A pillowcase with a picture of Saddam Hussein on it. 

That's all I got right now, but that has to be the tip of the iceberg...