Designated Documenter

I am sure all of us agree that a sober designated driver to assist in a night of drinking is a priceless edition to any evening.  Those of us who frequently drink too much might see the value of another service, a new kind of DD.  That's right, it is the designated documenter.  What lush hasn't woken up, plagued by such questions as "Did I sleep with the superintendent last night?"  "Whose used condom is this?"  "Is Marc racist?"  "Who wrote 'Pansy Lightweight' in permanent marker on my forehead?"  "Who stomped Cheerios into the carpet?"  "Who KY wrestled in the kitchen and didn't clean up?"  "Where is my goldfish?"

Questions such as these can easily be answered, in the harsh light of morning, for the bargain low price of $20 an hour.  That's right.  For $20 an hour you can hire your own designated documenter.  This professional will attend your party, paying attention to all the details, to be read back later.  Not only will this individual answer all of your questions, but will also give you insight into parts of the evening for which there is no evidence of ill behavior.  Just think about this: someone could have "infected" your kitchen counter and you would be none the wiser.  The designated documenter would, and you would know to bust out the heavy duty antibacterials.  Also, the designated documenter is trained to monitor for 'sleeper' pranks such as "The Upper Decker" and other such vicious "time delay" pranks.  You will never again have to wake up wondering "Where is that smell coming from?" "Whose dog is that?"  "How come no one will talk to me?" "Why do I feel gay?" Call today.

Comments

[Maryann]

I found your blog from the link you left on Shea's blog. Highly entertaining!

[Boozie]

Hell yes, I need this. Also, I heard that Marc really IS a racist.

[Weeeeee!]

Is anyone available to be the designated documenter at the 80's party???

[NotVodka]

I think I will most likely be the sober one... anyone want to shell out the $20 per hour?

[Weeeeee!]

WHY are you going to be the sober one???? Unless you're the designated documenter there is no reason for you to be sober. You guys are more than welcome to crash at my place (especially since Marc will probably throw a fit to go home, not realize he left his keys and phone at my place until you've already left, and not be able to go home anyway). :-)