OK, time to pick myself up and post.
Friday - had a blast. We all met up at Metro Ho's house for a pre lube before going to Sully's for a band called Junk Food. Tupperware was on the dance floor when a rather large girl started freaking her from behind. Tuppy turns around to find this girl is wearing a low cut blouse, and her boobs are actually popping out.
Tuppy: "Hey, your boobs are popping out like Wack-A-Mole."
Girl: "That's OK, they do that a lot."
Tuppy: (While slapping at the girls boobs) "Whack-A-Mole! Whack-A-Mole!"
I was mostly holding up walls. I don't like live bands much, so I staked out a table far enough from the dance floor to where I could hear myself think, and hear Tuppy getting hit on by some old guy. He had on a camouflage hat, and so I stood on the other side of Tuppy feeding her questions like "Ask him if he brings home the venison." I think he would have made a good husband, but Tupperware probably wouldn't have adjusted well to having to de-gut deer all the time. I would LOVE to see that.
So next we are in the car. I am taking Kane and Metro back to her house.
Me: I have to get up in the morning pretty early. I am going to the Nats Game (Saw a souvenir shirt: Everybody loves deez Nats) with Certified. I have to work out beforehand.
Metro: James, why are you going to the gym? Girls don't like boys that go to the gym. I mean Kane gets a lot of @ss...
Kane: WAIT. Are you saying I am fat?
Metro: No, I was just saying because... Uh.. you get a lot of action for ... a guy that is so... uh .. quiet.
(Conversation interrupted by arrival at Taco Bell speaker)
Kane asks for a #6 and an empanada. I order it, and he corrects me.. "Caramel Apple Empanada." I repeat it into the speaker, and order Metro's food. The guy reads it back, and Kane says, with a little panic in his voice.. "He didn't say empanada." I finally get the guy straightened out, and as soon as we get the food, Kane checks to make sure the empanada is actually there. Good news, it is.
So at that moment, it is pretty clear to me that Kane has his heart set on that empanada, in the same way a kid gets his heart set on something. I picture him eating his #6, all the time thinking about that empanada. We drive back, all the time Kane and I trying to convince Metro that she called Kane fat, all the while she is trying to convince us that we got it wrong. It was hilarious. So we get back to Metro's. I turn around, and who the $%^& do you guess is eating the empanada?!! Metro, that's who. I say something, and the look that crossed her face was a cross between anger at me, fear of Kane, and a decision to panic. She started to run but Kane got her first, and I swear to God, starts giving her the Heimlich. It was classic.
Saturday, Certs and I go to the Nats Game. Great time. No one scores a run for like 5 innings so we go to get food. The braves score 4 runs while we are gone. We come back to our seats and sit out the rest of the game, no one scores. After the game we go to KP and Udder's for Thanksgiving dinner. He deep fried a turkey in the driveway. It was great. We actually performed Kane's new dance called Double Dutch. It takes three people. The two people on either side whirl their arms like they have jump ropes, and someone has to jump in the middle and do double dutch, and try to stay on rhythm with the music. It was a big hit.
I introduced myself to a couple of girls, and when I told them my hash name they would shudder. So I decided that instead of saying "We've Got a Bleeder" I would say "Weave."
Me: "Hi, I'm Weave."
Girl: "How did you get that name, do you have a Merkin?"
At first it took me awhile to figure out what she was saying. A merkin sounds like George Bush saying "American." (I will chuckle when I hear him say it now, and I understand that in some overseas places 'Merkin is a derogatory slang term for Americans)
This girl explains to me that a Merkin is a pubic wig (which I don't have.) Evidently, this got started with prostitutes in the 19th century. When they got crabs they would have to shave, but the Brazilian wasn't in then, so they would get Merkins. She told me that she wanted to get a hash name, and if she came out to my group, I would nominate her for "Merkin' for the Weekend." I imagined a whole catalog of Merkins. The weekday Merkin (Merkin 9 to 5) which would be like a more formal piece, and then the "night out" Merkin (Merkin for the Weekend.) She said that they are really big in Europe, and the possibilities are endless. Tuxedo Merkin... Football Jersey Merkin...
So Sunday we played our first game of kickball in the World Adult Kickball Association. Our team is "Balls and All." We lost 5-1, but we played the most experienced team. It was good that we played them first, we got to see some good techniques, that we will now use to our advantage. The cool thing is that you play for 45 min and then go to Carpool. They usually aren't open on Sundays until 4, but they open up for the kickballers. All the teams go there after the game and you get to socialize, lay on the couches and watch football. Our team may have lost the game, but we definitely won the bar competition in two categories. "Most alcohol consumed by a team" and "Most Man/Hours put in at the bar." We lost the "Last Man" category to the pitcher of the opposing team. We had a few guys that were going to go to White House and hash, so we did a little experiment. We found out that it takes 4 beers before "Just Do It" becomes "Just Screw It."
After that, I went to the gym, and like a good son, had Sunday dinner with Moms. I noticed that she had some cereal bars called "Sweet and Salty Nut." I started laughing, and she asks me why. A little background. My mom and I have a deal. If she is ever unfamiliar with a slang term that could lead to her embarrassment, I am to explain it to her so she can avoid said embarrassment. This stemmed from a time when she confronted me with "How come you never told me what a queef was?" It seemed to happen in slow motion. I explained to her that her premise meant that I had to tell her every slang term I know, and then inform her every time I learned a new one. She said that was fine, and I told her to ask Marc. Not long after that we were at dinner with Marc and my friend Chris. She brought up our conversation. Marc and Chris were more than happy to oblige. IT WAS A LONG DINNER, but now my mom knows about donkey punch, shocker, rusty trombone, steaming hot Cleveland Carl, a pearl necklace, blumpkin, etc. Man, that WAS a long dinner.
So anyway, to cap off my weekend, I patiently explained to my mom all of the implications of "Sweet and Salty Nut." I explained that nut can be a noun for a man's anatomy, and that it can be a verb for the act of well, you know, and that it can be a noun for the end product of, well, you know. I explained that sometimes that end result (I have heard) can taste like what a man's been eating, usually sweet or salty, sometimes bitter, or it can even be spicy. I even used it in a sentence "Monica Lewinsky enjoys an occasional..." After all that, all my Mom said to me was "Well, you should try one, they are delicious."
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