I can't believe it's not vodka!

Scientist believes CO2 in atmosphere blocks prayers from reaching heaven

"It is quite a simple hypothesis really," claims atmospheric researcher Kevin Wilt, "prayers have to use some medium of transmission."  Wilt claims that since we are not actually shouting our prayers up to the sky, if God exists, he must be using some other means of detecting what it is specifically we are praying for.  "We know that the body emits electromagnetic energy in the infrared, or heat."  Wilt reasons that since this is perhaps the only medium by which potential information other than sound leave the body, God's hearing of our prayers must actually be a complex decoding of our heat signature. 

"We also know that the presence of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere traps heat in the Earth's atmosphere," he goes on, "from there it is fairly simple to deduce that CO2 might actually be blinding God's "prayer detection" abilities." 

Wilt plans to do some research on whether or not carbon dioxide can actually cause what he refers to as "prayer scattering."  "If this hypothesis pans out, it is possible that someone praying to God in the midwest could actually have their prayer received by Vishnu."

Garry Kasparov checkmates opponent with russet baking potato

In a brilliant move unparalleled in Chess history, Grandmaster Garry Kasparov checkmated his opponent with a russet baking potato.  "Kasparov has shown us that a potato in the right hands can be the most powerful piece on the board," his opponent Garri Weinstein claimed.  "No one could have seen that coming." 

Garry Kasparov has been long heralded for his brilliant play, but even his greatest fan could not have predicted a move like this.  Garry was thought to be in the weaker position, yet he dazzled onlookers with a move that had never even occurred to another player in history.  "I have seen competitors use strategies that other players have abandoned as unplayable, but this certainly is a first."  His opponent agreed.  "There is a reason he is the highest rated player in the world."  Chess enthusiasts worldwide are now working out variations to what they are calling "The Idaho defense."

Scientists Glimpse Beyond Big Bang

Scientists at NASA have finally constructed the the most powerful telescope ever built, the Deep Space Penetrator.  Friday this telescope sent back it's first glimpses of what occured BEFORE, and BEYOND the big bang.  "Every time we look up into deep space we are actually looking back in time."  Astronautical scientist Egbert Watkins explains.  "The light we see in our telescope lens is not only from 15 billion light years away, but also from 15 billion years ago.  We looked that far back in time and actually made a startling discovery."  This discovery is one that will rock the core of science, religion and philosophy, and change the way we view our world.  "Um, our entire universe is uh... actually completely contained in uh...  speck of dust on a ... on a ... Black Sabbath poster in a teenager's bedroom."  NASA scientists were rocked by the discovery.  "It appears that what we have been calling the big bang was actually a discharge of static electricity when the dust made contact with the poster in this youngster's room.  We all, here at NASA, have different interpretations about what this discovery means for the human race, but we all do agree on one important thing:  We have got to develop a method to keep this young man from cleaning his room."  NASA does not yet have a theory on how to do this.  "What a little Lemon Pledge could do to the Milky Way, let alone our entire Universe, would be catastrophic."

Bush's Challenge

Daddy, how do I work and vacation at the same time?  Well son, I have an idea...

And that is how George went on his first "Workation."

Bush Solves Social Security Dillemma

In a surprising announcement Monday, President George W. Bush stated that he had a plan to eliminate America's social security woes.  He plans to raise the retirement age (the age at which one will be eligible to receive benefits) to 100 years of age.  "The good news is,"  Bush went on, "When you get to 100 we will give you twice as much as we would have under the old program.  That is something for seniors to be hopeful about.  Plus, if you make it to 150, we'll give you a million dollars!"  Bush exclaimed, smirking.  Dubya is dubbing his new program "Social Security 2: Eyes on the Prize."  When asked about his own retirement, he replied "After this term is up, I am going to live out the rest of my days on my ranch."

GMC Unveils New Front and Side Impact "Meringue-Bag"

Last year, Timothy Williams, VP of vehicle safety with GMC had an idea that the now commonplace airbag safety system could be improved.  "Air," he said, "may be sufficient to prevent many deaths, but we could prevent more deaths by using something more substantial."  After spending a year at GMC's safety drawing board, he emerged and stated: "The substance we have been looking for is lemon meringue."  Now all 2005 GMC models will come standard equipped with the William's new, cutting edge, lemon meringue safety devices. 

"We tested chocolate pudding, peanut butter, even silicone, and no substance boasted the safety rating of lemon meringue."  When questioned about the switch, and the fact that an accident would now be tantamount to a pie in the face, Williams quipped "By our calculations, this new safety feature will save 8.60 more lives per year from traffic fatalities, fishing some pie filling out of your nose before you have to exchange insurance information is a small price to pay to save those lives, and even that extra 6/10 of a life."

Customer responses have been slightly more lackluster.  "Even if this does increase my chances of survival, I am not so excited about getting a pie in the face any time my airbag is deployed.  Besides, I am not such a big fan of lemon meringue.  Now if it were custard, that might be a different story," stated one customer.

Pimps up, teachers down

If you have been watching the news lately, you might be familiar with such names as Pamela Turner and Debrah Lafave.  These are the hot blonde teachers accused of abusing their positions of authority and sleeping with their underage students.  How do we know that these teachers weren't the victims here?  Did anyone think that maybe these teachers fell prey to some straight pimpin'?  That's right, there can be no authority higher than the authority of the pimp hand.  No house? No driver's license?  No problem for these young pimps.  "I didn't feel like a mac until I got my first Cadillac, I used to trick out everything I had to get the attention of new hoes, hell, I even had a goldplated leafblower," says Diamondtrim J. Valentine. "But that don't even matter no more, I am getting edged out of the business by macs on mopeds."  "The game has changed..." says Reverend Dopetastic, a Houston pimp.  "The ones running the streets are getting younger and younger, I finally realized that when a pimp went upside my head with a Christina Aguilera lunchbox."  These teachers are a symptom of a greater problem, the idea that pimp juice can be destructive in the wrong hands.  "It is one thing for a pimp to pull a beautiful woman, but it don't mean nothin' unless he can turn her out," said Crystal Don Juantastic Enthusiastic, a pimp from Chicago.  "These young pimps got attached, and that can put an end to your game real quick.  If I could be 13 again, there is no way that I could let a ho have me all to herself, are you kidding me?  I would be the man." 

Mr. T changes name to Mr. Tea to become Lipton spokesman

In an effort to "strengthen" the image that hot tea has with the public, Lipton turned to popular television personality, Mr. T, now called Mr. Tea.  "I pity the fool," Mr. Tea commented "Dainty little cups are cool!"  Tea went on to say "I don't want people to think they have to drink coffee in order to BE SOMEBODY." 

Lipton PR manager Lloyd Webster commented "This is a brilliant new advertising blitz on the part of Lipton.  If all goes well, I will be pitying Juan Valdez personally."

Local man's boogers declared delicacy

Delicacies have always been "acquired taste" items such as Oysters, Snails, Fish Eggs, etc.  Now we can add one more item to the list: Dale Smith's boogers.  When asked to comment on this delicious discovery Dale replied: "I was at one of them high falootin' functions with my friend Chip, and was trying to hoick this loogie out of the back of my throat.  It flew out of my mouth, across the room, and landed on a cracker."  That cracker was then fortuitously ingested by Washington Post Food critic, Bob Nusbaum.  "I found the texture quite intriguing.  It had a unique taste, salty but not briny, with an aftertaste similar to toasted walnut."  Dale couldn't believe his eyes, watching Nusbaum not only eat the cracker, but then begin interrogating the caterer as to the source of this "delectible discovery."  "I am an honest man, and I had to come clean, so I went over to apologize" Dale said.  Nusbaum insisted that no apology was necessary, and promptly contracted Dale exclusively for all of his future "productions."

Nusbaum documented his discovery in his weekly column, and Dale's boogers may now be enjoyed at an exclusive local restaurant.  "We recommend them with a nice Chianti" reported Jim Williams, owner/general manager of Stephan in Georgetown.  "We have been getting quite a reaction, people are disgusted at first, as I was with oysters, but then they start wondering what all the fuss is about."  Dale's boogers are served as appetizers, sauteed on toast corners for $15.95. 

Pope unveils new "Express Confessional"

"Ten sins or less!"  exclaimed Pope John Paul at the vatican press conference held to announce what the Catholic world has heralded to be the greatest thing to happen since the pardoning of Galileo twelve years ago.  The Pope's new express confessional is designed to cater to catholicism's more disciplined members.  "I had always thought it was unfair that I had to sit and wait for some hoodlum to confess all his sins while I only had a handful of white lies to disclose," an anonymous woman said, "the Holy See has finally seen the need for this." 

Local hoodlums were outraged.  "I don't think it's fair that just because I do more wrong things I should wait longer...  Those chairs are uncomfortable."  "Pews."  His friend corrected. "I don't smell nothin'." replied the hoodlum.  "I don't think the Pope is my peeps no more, this is discrimination for shizzle.  What the streets need is shorter Hail Marys.  If I said all the Hail Marys I was told, I wouldn't have time to get my album together.  Does this mean I can't go to heaven just because I got skillz?"  The Pope was not available for comment.