I came to a conclusion on Thursday night: I drink non-alcoholic beer for the alcohol. I drank four of them last night at $4 each, and I cannot think of a reason why I wouldn't have opted for something cheaper, LIKE WATER. I fear I am becoming a non-alcoholic. Next thing you know I will contract "Splenda Diabetes."
The deal goes down like this: The beer company calls their product "Non-alcoholic" so that when I ask "May I have a non-alcoholic beer, please?" I FEEL like I am not getting alcohol, even though I and the beer company share a dirty little secret. There is actually a shady transaction going down here. Something unspoken passes between myself and Shamus O'Doul, the breakdancing NA leprechaun mascot, and we each have a little internal laugh. I will let you on the joke: Each bottle contains a whopping 0.5% alcohol. That means that if I ever got the urge to kill 12 of those, I would have consumed a full beer. A FULL BEER. I don't have to tell you that I am playing with fire here. What would happen if I sat down and decided, over the course of an evening, to drink 72 of these bad boys? I could be well over the legal limit... HOW SAFE IS YOUR PRODUCT NOW, ANHEISER?
So anyway, I am sitting at Champp's on Thursday enjoying my NA's and some really bad Karaoke when an old guy starts singing "What a Wonderful World." My friend Marc is totally enamoured with the fact that he can actually do the voice. He says "Man, listen to that voice," about three times, gazing at the stage. "He sounds just like Sasquatch." That's right, Marc thought Louis Armstrong's nickname wasn't Satchmo, but SASQUATCH. To think, the missing link was right in front of us the whole time, hiding in plain sight. CASE CRACKED, thanks to MTD.