I can't believe it's not vodka!

Everything You Need to Know About Joe the Plumber, and How to Help Him

All of this Joe the plumber talk is getting exasperating.  It is like when the dentist hits a nerve with his drill over and over and over again.  The only reason it is a painful experience and not just a monotonously boring one, is because these "Joe the plumber" claims simply aren't true.  Hearing a lie repeated is like nails on a chalkboard to me.  Here are the facts:

Sure Barack Obama is going to raise taxes on those who make over $250k a year.  What you don't hear is that he is only going to raise taxes on those people by 1.1%.  

Where do these small business owners get their money?  More importantly, from whom do they get it?  The middle class, that's whom.  To illustrate my point, let's try a thought experiment.  Think of a middle class family that needs to add a bathroom.  Will they do it this year?  No, because the economy is in the toilet.  We need to get the economy out of the toilet before we start adding new toilets.  This family is only going to call a plumber if it is absolutely necessary.

How do we get the economy out of the toilet?  Who do we turn to?  It's simple, we turn to the people who all business turn to in times of need:  Men and Women 18-35 years of age.  The most coveted demographic in advertising because these are the people that spend money.  Does "Men and Women 18-35" sound upper class to you?  No, these people are the middle class. 

If we invigorate the middle class, small and large business owners make more.  So, let us break out a little math.  If someone is making 250k, Barack will raise taxes on them by $2750 a year.  But if the middle class has money to invest in new bathrooms (plumbers), new homes (realtors) or new cars (auto dealerships) then these small business will make more money.  If their income goes up more than about 3k in that year, Barack's tax plan has successfully given these small businesses MORE money. 

Let's also remember that small business profits are only taxed AFTER all the expenses are paid out, including the owner's salary. 

Finally, here is a little quote from John McCainon the matter:

 Audience member: "Why is it that someone like my father who goes to school for 13 years gets penalized in a huge tax bracket because he's a doctor."

   McCain: "I think it's to some degree because we feel obviously that wealthy people can afford more."

   Audience member: "Are we getting closer and closer to, like, socialism?"

   McCain: "Here's what I really believe: That when you reach a certain level of comfort, there's nothing wrong with paying somewhat more."

This is a man who is desperately searching for some attack to get himself elected, and doesn't even resemble his former, more moderate self.

Somehow, it feels like so much more...

When I listen to this, it seems like almost EVERY word is either "chocolate" or "rain."

Read this if you are a democrat

http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2008/2/20/201332/807/36/458633

Scientist believes CO2 in atmosphere blocks prayers from reaching heaven

"It is quite a simple hypothesis really," claims atmospheric researcher Kevin Wilt, "prayers have to use some medium of transmission."  Wilt claims that since we are not actually shouting our prayers up to the sky, if God exists, he must be using some other means of detecting what it is specifically we are praying for.  "We know that the body emits electromagnetic energy in the infrared, or heat."  Wilt reasons that since this is perhaps the only medium by which potential information other than sound leave the body, God's hearing of our prayers must actually be a complex decoding of our heat signature. 

"We also know that the presence of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere traps heat in the Earth's atmosphere," he goes on, "from there it is fairly simple to deduce that CO2 might actually be blinding God's "prayer detection" abilities." 

Wilt plans to do some research on whether or not carbon dioxide can actually cause what he refers to as "prayer scattering."  "If this hypothesis pans out, it is possible that someone praying to God in the midwest could actually have their prayer received by Vishnu."

Strange Digg Error

I went from my account page on Digg.com to view one of my comments, expanded the tree and got this error message:

Garry Kasparov checkmates opponent with russet baking potato

In a brilliant move unparalleled in Chess history, Grandmaster Garry Kasparov checkmated his opponent with a russet baking potato.  "Kasparov has shown us that a potato in the right hands can be the most powerful piece on the board," his opponent Garri Weinstein claimed.  "No one could have seen that coming." 

Garry Kasparov has been long heralded for his brilliant play, but even his greatest fan could not have predicted a move like this.  Garry was thought to be in the weaker position, yet he dazzled onlookers with a move that had never even occurred to another player in history.  "I have seen competitors use strategies that other players have abandoned as unplayable, but this certainly is a first."  His opponent agreed.  "There is a reason he is the highest rated player in the world."  Chess enthusiasts worldwide are now working out variations to what they are calling "The Idaho defense."

Me, a celebrity blogger

Okay, so I, and I alone appear to have the scoop on Jessica Simpson.  Anyone who has googled into this site must already be aware of the fact that Jessica screwed up the words to 9 to 5.  Every news report said she had a meltdown.  Then, the footage came out and it didn't look near as bad as the news reports claimed.  I have news for you my friends, that footage, the released footage, was edited.  According to someone I know that actually worked the event, that footage was the best they could gather together of 3 attempts that actually fit the original story.  This is the story as it was told to me:

Jessica Simpson, during rehearsal, didn't remember hardly any of the words.  She practically skippidy bee bopped her way through most of it. (Workin' 9 to 5, hama heto hata hibbin..)  Then, she shocked everyone by leaving without rehearsing the number further.  When she finally performed it on stage, it was more of the same, as can be expected, when you don't um... rehearse.  So they let her come back on stage, perform it again, than they used that footage but spliced in only ONE flubbed line (when there were several) and the "so nervous" line and then have her leave stage gracefully.  In my opinion, the footage of the audience clapping must be from the second performance, since all of the news reports claimed that she left the stage to no applause.  There you have it friends, finally I have insider news on something that SHOULD NOT REALLY MATTER TO ANYONE.  "It's enough to drive you... crazy if you let it..." 

Proof that God doesn't exist?

Tough love, but let us look no further than the recent release of the film "The Nativity Story."  Here I quote: 

"Snow in the Midwest kept many movie-goers at home, undermining the film's opening, said David Tuckerman, New Line's head of distribution.

"The storms in the middle of the country couldn't have hurt us more," Tuckerman said. "It's a movie made for the heartland, and it killed us in the heartland."

Way to reward the faithful there God, some producer goes around and pitches a biblically based movie only to get rejected by whom?  Who is responsible for storms?  Let me think... 

Wow.  God creates storms in the heartland that prevents the movie about his son's birth being a success. Now I ask you, if you were all benevolent and all powerful, wouldn't you want more people to be exposed to your story, if it meant the salvation of all people?  Faith heals, but it is unequally distributed, fair God indeed.  Hmm.

In my experience most Christians blame evil on free will. Hmm...  Man doesn't create storms, free will figureth not.

Don't take your car to Jiffy Lube - VIDEO

http://www.nbc4.tv/video/9152183/detail.html

What's in a name?

You would think that news was sensational enough.  It is not unknown to any American that our news media will construct a story with just the right wording to imply the most chaos, pain and anguish.  You would think that science articles would be immune to such nonsense, but not so.  After reading two science articles in Yahoo News today, I became confused.  The first article described how a dwarf planet just received the name of "Eris."  The next article explained how Pluto, since it was demoted to a dwarf planet, was receiving a new name: 134340.  The logic escaped me.  Why would one dwarf planet get a name and another be stripped of its name?  After some digging, I learned that Pluto had just received and asteroid number.  I found the original article in Sky and Telescope magazine, and this article mentioned nothing about a "new name" but described more like "another name."  However, this did not stop a staff writer named Ker Than from Space.com from writing an article entitled "Pluto is now just a number: 134340."  Oooo, the sensationalism of it all.  I can this writer in my head now, thinking, "This story needs some blood on it."  Maybe he/she (Is Ker a little girl's name or a little boys name?) used to be an embedded reporter in Iraq, and missed the carnage.  So this reporter thinks to themselves "If I phrase this just right, people will think that Pluto isn't called Pluto anymore."  Brilliant.  This kid will most assuredly be a rising star in the sensationalist news world, shading meaning with the rest of them, with his/her ability to turn the most inane news into high drama. 

Inspired

I am vacationing in St. Thomas with my new girlfriend, and out of the blue I get that strike of inspiration, that need to document some observation in order to hand it down to eternity itself.  After drinking a bottle of champagne (to myself) and gazing out across the ocean and the islands, I feel sufficiently saturated with that wonderful ether from which all writers gain their muse.  As my eyes settled slowly upon this land mass isolated in a sea of blue, I realized that battles were fought with muskets and swords over this land, and I imagined hordes of people charging this way and that, losing and gaining these strategic strips of land, and their lives.  The U.S. own these islands now, because of an advantage we gained from them in WWII. 

Anyway, in this state came the most urgent of messages I must send to all readers of this blog.  I came inside from my striking view and had joined my girlfriend, when the need to communicate came upon me.  I realized, as I watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, that Oompa Loompas are gay.  That's it.  That is my revelation. 

In a way I was surprised by the movie.  I found it a veiled conservative polemic, unusual fare from Tim Burton.  Here is a man, living alone with a race of people (Oompa Loompas) who are all male, and thus cannot reproduce.  Charlie himself is male, and because he is in control of the factory one must imagine that he has shunned women, since there are no women around.  I also must mention the Oompa Loompa's fondness for synchronized dancing in pleather outfits, and one scene where an Oompa Loopa sits crosslegged in an oddly phallic (and testicallic) chair.  SPOILER ALERT>  Because Charlie comes to embrace a poor family at the end, the movie reinforces the moral that traditional family values must always triumph. 

So basically, the reason for my posting this blog entry is for the sheer reason that it struck me, rather profoundly, that Oompa Loompas are gay (not that there is anything wrong with that.)  Word is born.

Beautiful

Will Farrell doing President Bush on Global Warming...

Will Ferrell - Bush on Global Warming on Transbuddha

Okay...

I wrote one of those russian girls that spam on myspace and only sent one sentence.  "Can I see your pic?"  This is what I got back:

Hi my beautiful friend

         I am sincerely glad, to that you have answered me again. Your letters give me a charge of energy for all day! I read them with the great pleasure. In the letters you may ask me about everything, that interests you about me. But if I on them do not answer you, do not take offence, I simply can not understand it , set to me it  slightly on another and I it is indispensable on him  shall answer you. It is my first experience of acquaintance through the Internet, but this way has very much liked me as I was answered at once with the person who has liked me. I write the letters from the Internet of cafe so be not upset if I shall not answer you the letter at once, simply the Internet of cafe may be closed.
         Today I went to church, today for me little bit sad date, this day my parents were lost. I orthodox christian, at us very beautiful churches, at that moment when I am in church I feel quietly, me already cease, that or to disturb.
         It is very interesting to me what weather at you today, I
         think, that at you should be warm.  Spring my liked season, I
         likes to look, how the nature comes to life after winter. As
         the first kidneys on trees are dismissed. Birds who an autumn
         departed on the south arrive , but they again will return.
         The first grows a grass, many children leave on street and
         are pleased to this season. Children it future our planet and
         on them all our hope, does a pleasure me the big pleasure to
         observe of them. My parents educated me good formation  as
         you know I has finished the Kazan state university on a speciality the ecologist. But nevertheless I do not work on this speciality. Sometimes at me in life there come such times, that I seem to me, that already for whom it is not necessary, that I shall stay one, but nevertheless I calm myself and I believe that the main love in my life still will come, the god will help me with it. Tell to me more about itself, you like to listen to what your liked dish, what your liked film, what else music. My liked dish it pelmeni, this very tasty dish from Russian kitchen which consists of forcemeat of a beef and pork with an onions  and spices wrapped up in a dough and are cooked. This really excellent dish. There may be sometime I of you him  shall feed. My liked films it Gladiator and Angel city, is film about the big love when it  was finished I very strongly cried if you of it  did not look, look necessarily, it  is pleasant to you. As to music, she  is pleasant to me different on mood, I as like Russian classics Tchaykovskiy, Rohmaninov, Rimskiy-Korsakov as it is pleasant to me Madonna, Enya, Kylie Minogue.
         I think, that after that you will know letters more about me.
         I very much like your letters. On it I shall finish  the
         letter. Your friend Elena       

I love these things..

Hello!!! I many times heard, that people get acquainted through the Internet.It is unusual to me. But I nevertheless have dared to make it. I liked your structure. And it would be interesting to me to learn you more. I think, that should tell about myself a little.My name is Olga, me of 29 years.I work, in shop. It is food shop.I do not have children. But I think, that in the future they at me will appear. I like to listen to music, I like to read. I am fond of sports. I also like to leave on the nature. Where I can have a rest. I think, that you not against to answer me. And we can to continue with you dialogue. I think, that I can tell more about myself and learn you. When you will answer me. my e-mail mynewdream@inbox.ru Olga

Another Letter, Different Russian

Hello,

Me name is Elena.
After birthday of my girlfriend after all my girlfriends have left to meet
with the husbands and guys I has decided, that the friend with whom I might
connect all further life too is necessary for me, but such person with whom
I would not be happy is not necessary for me.
I shall tell to you slightly about myself, me 29 years, I live in city of
Zagorsk in spite of the fact that it is very beautiful city, here very
difficultly to find the good person with which it is possible would be to
connect the life, the purposes of people in our city very much low, and the
girlfriend has advised me to look same people as well as I in the Internet,
I and have made I have gone to the Internet of cafe and have found a site
which to me the girlfriend has advised, at her mum as has got acquainted
with the person from Germany. From all countries which were offered me on a
choice, I have decided to choose , on films and under stories I know, that
people for which his personal honour and decency is appreciated more than
any petty interests live in this country. After short viewing structures I
have seen yours which most approaches me, and have decided to write to you
in hope that I shall receive from you the answer. Excuse I has distracted
from the story about itself slightly. As I to you already spoke me 29 years
I live in Russia, city of Zagorsk, my weight makes 64 kgs at growth of 170
centimeter. At me higher education on a speciality the ecologist, but on the
trade I do not work, as on it it is very difficult to find work. I work to
help the bookkeeper in the company which is engaged in sale of home
appliances. I live one without parents, my parents were lost at a fire of 6
years back, my grandmothers and grandfathers communists, my relatives were
noblemen when Russia king corrected earlier, but there was it for a long
time. I never supported ideas communists, they have resulted the country
which once was great power, in full route. But about it I shall not continue
to me this subject not so it is pleasant have shot.
I live together with mine cat Murka, she my best friend! She also likes to
ask to have a meal black color at me, in exchange on it she may sit next
hours me and purr. Unfortunately I badly know the English language so I the
first time shall be to use the translator, but I go on rates, on studying
language. With impatience I wait from you for the answer. Your new friend
Elena.
Please write me on my personal e-mail: lenochkamieniebaeva@rambler.ru
So it will be more convenient to me to write to you and I can send you the
photos!

Nuggets of Wisdom

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.

2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting
any.

4. No one is listening until you fart.

5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have
their shoes.

7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
worth it.

10. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.

11. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of bad
experience comes from bad judgment.


12. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one
works.

13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.

14. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

Nice Letter I Received From a Stranger on MySpace

There sure are some nice women on myspace..  Here is a letter I received:

Hi my dear!!!
Hi, my dear, I liked yours profile, I was very glad to know you and you have very much liked me!!!
Dear mine, I would like to communicate more with you, I to think that you very interesting and attractive the man and that to us would be very interesting to communicate with you!!!
Dear I, me would be more convenient to communicate with you if you wrote on my e-mail:the-girl-from-Russia@rambler.ru
I with impatience wait for your answer! I kiss you!Your friend Marina!!!

What I Want for Christmas

Must See Mpg

Failed Crowed Surf

Watch Video

For a little Xmas spirit....

Asshole

Watch Video

Happy Thanksgiving

I may not remember what my Grandfather's birthday is, but I will always remember the day that he died.  It was on Thanksgiving.  We were all seated around the table preparing to eat, and the phone rang.  My mother answered it, and passed it to my father.  I do not remember my reaction.  I do remember shortly thereafter attending the funeral.  It was then, and only then, that I cried.  I cried uncontrollably as I watched his casket sink beneath the earth.  The finality of his passing hit me then, and only then.  After that moment my mind shifted from being presently aware to a state of denial.  I glossed over his death with a rationalization that he may be in another, hopefully better, place. 

My grandfather brought law to Caldwell County North Carolina.  When he died his casket was escorted by county police to his final resting place.  I was nine years old, riding, for the first time in a limousine, watching as we passed through intersections blocked by uniformed police.  They stood not as if they were commissioned to stand, but as if nothing could have prevented their attendance.  It was if they were not being paid, but had suited up to stand in any available justifiably official place in order to salute our grand ancestor.

When my Grandfather began his career as a policeman, there were no radios.  He had to call for backup from a telephone pole before going into any "sticky situation."  He was a sheriff during the prohibition and he often wore a suit, as did his deputies.  I have a picture of my Grandfather standing suited with his fellow lawmen and my Dad.  My Dad was 10 years old, suited, along with the others.  My Dad has told me stories about when he was young watching my Grandfather "take control" of a suspect in an elevator using a blackjack.  That was the law back then.  My Grandfather graduated from sheriff to Magistrate to Judge.  He was, in his blood, meant to carry law to Caldwell County, NC.

As children, my brother and I would visit my Grandparents.  My Grandmother would look over our shoulders as we played solitaire and add up the cards faster than I am able to even to this day.  She was in her 80's then. She was a schoolteacher, and they lived in the same house they raised my father in (he was born in 1936) until the their final hours.  They received their water from a reliable well, and the stove they used was purchased in the 1940's, and it had a compartment for burning wood.  (after both my grandparents passed, my Dad cleaned it and it never worked again.)  My Grandfather never spoke much, but watched my brother and I intently as we played.  Silent as he was, he would always cry as we piled in the car to leave.  My personal love for him grew out of this, and he remains to this day one of the most beloved persons in my life.  On this day, despite my loss, I give thanks for his presence always.  I thank this world for granting me such a wonderful ancestor.  I thank this world for granting me someone that I know is in my blood, someone who I can be proud of, someone who I feel stood up when it really meant something, someone whose spirit will always live within me.  I pray for his strength even though I do not believe in God.  He was a wonderful example and it is on this day that I hope there is a heaven if only to know that someone as deserving as him, someone as self sacrificing as him will receive the final resting place that he deserves.  Only then may the universe prove to possess the justice he sought to infuse it with.   

While he was alive, I was young.  I never knew (or knew how) to express my appreciation of him.  I wish that I could speak to him now, not just in words, but in reverence.  He showed that a true man has both strength and sensitivity.  I owe so much of my life to his memory, and I know that he stood up as an example to his three sons, and their children.  For him, on this day always, I will give thanks. 

Good Lord

Okay, if intelligent design has nothing to do with creationism, or so say its proponents, why is Pat Robertson warning the town of Dover, Pennsylvania that they have incurred his (very Christian) God's wrath?  Give me a break.

WHY?

This painting sold for over 22 million dollars.

Homage to Matisse

Become Republican!

http://www.thefrown.com/frowners/becomerepublican.swf

Must See Mpg

Okay, these are funny.

Download Never_Scare_a_Brother.mpg

Download ManShowBoy-beach.wmv

His Former Honor

Ok, anyone see Marion Barry on the news?  He just got through pleading guilty for not paying his taxes for FIVE CONSECUTIVE YEARS.  He earned over 500k and didn't pay one cent of taxes on it.  What gets me is that he pled down to a lesser charge by offering to pay the back taxes if they only prosecute him for the year 2000. It seems like they had to have an open shut case against him, why does he get to plea?  Any regular person would have to pay the money and get prosecuted.  That pompous ass, when asked why he didn't pay taxes haughtily replied "I have already made my statement, and that is all I am going to make."  Why can't reporters keep at it?  Why couldn't the reporter follow up with "So what you are saying is that the public has no right to know why you as a public official failed to pay taxes?"  "Do you think you are above the law?"  "What do you as a council member think of people in Ward 8 who don't pay their taxes?"  I would love to see that.

Lord, make it stop

Okay, I have officially been sick for four days.  I am cashing in personal hours at work like Donald Trump gets checks.  This sucks.  For all of you able bodied healthy people out there, you might want to look into this opportunity:

I don't know if anyone is up for a trip to Owings Mills, but this sounds like a party, and these girls look like they are READY TO GO.  I can't wait until MY town of residence shows up in one of these ads, let me tell you.  Readers, don't ever say I haven't done anything good for you, even with a temperature of 101 I am still as selfless as ever.  I keep thinking about these girls.  "Mom, I got a modeling job!"  Eureka! Those trailer payments were getting to be too much!

Anyway, FP wanted me to recount the events of two weekends ago, the AGM of the So Happy Hash.  So, drunk ass Cockspur and drunk ass, well uh, me, decided that we would make everyone in the party think that we were seconds away from coming to blows.  Okay, so who would win in a fight?  Cockspur or Bleeder?  If you look at the names alone, it doesn't look good for our hero, We've Got a Bleeder.  Bleeders, as we all know, bleed.  Cockspur has a spur in his name, and those things are sharp, he could put an eye out.  Not to mention that if he actually had a cock in his spur, or a spur in his cock, that means he is pretty tough. 

Well, we didn't fight, so it is a moot point anyway.  We had the whole party trying to get us to make up, which I found out is a polarizing action.  That is, anyone involved will either love you, or hate you.  Metro Ho wanted us to make up so bad that she dragged us out in a dark alley.  She left us there.  ALONE. 

Bleeder: "I think she WANTS us to fight!  Dude, rip my shirt."

Cockspur grabs my undershirt (the one I might wear again) instead of my pirate shirt (the one that I will probably never wear again unless I am in some strange Seinfeld re-enactment) and RRRIIIPPP!  I am milking this one.  I walk in and the first person to make eye contact was SMEYAC. 

Me: "Keep that motherf*cker away from me."

I didn't look back, but evidently a bunch of people jumped in front of Cockspur.  I was having a great time, that is until Certified left at around 2.

Certs: (paraphrasing): "You guys both suck and I hate you both, I am leaving."

After that, Cockspur sort of well, fell apart. 

Cockspur: "Dude, everyone hates me, and you Kane, you let me do it!  You were in on it!"

Kane: "Yeah, but it was funny."

Cockspur: "But everyone hates me now!"

Kane: "That's funny too!"

There you go FP, my end of the story. 

Must See MPG

Don't ever get hypnotised: Download Lovethatchair.wmv

Bonus: Napoleon Dynamite Prank Call: Download napdynamitecall1.mp3

WTF?

Have you been on blogshares.com?  I just happened on the site and it is like trading blogs as if they were stocks.  I didn't realize this, but evidently Late Nite Drive Thru owns 25% of my stock...  Could someone explain this to me?   My page on Blogshares.com

Unicef bombs the Smurfs?

The caption reads "Don't let war destroy the world of children."

Must see Mpg

Okay, now this is funny.  Terrible Job

My Perception of RDR

  What IS my perception of Red Dress Run?  Chaotic comes to mind.  Sensory overload comes to mind.  Spectacle comes to mind.  The women looked lovely, the men of course, looked like freaks.  That, however, was the point.  I felt like I had arrived at prom with over 200 dates, and keeping with the prom theme, there was a photo stop.  I wish I had a scanner so I could display some of the professional quality photos I recieved of me and my fellow hashers wearing red dresses and seated on kegs, all in a so precious "Olan Mills" style backdrop. 

Basically, we drank at Dremo's for 3 hours before the run.  Imagine an outdoor bar filled to capacity with 500 people all wearing red dresses.  Quite a sight.  At 3 we were off, running down to the key bridge (from Clarendon) and crossing over into Georgetown.  Somewhere in this area was where tupperware ran smack into a no parking sign and fell down, the sign still going bwawawawang.  We walked and ran all the way down M street to the beer check at 3rd edition.  Love that bar, another outdoor venue.  As we walked down M we got the strangest looks and comments, and a lot of inquiries.  I would make friendly eye contact with someone, say "Hi how are you," and then give them the shocker.  I didn't think anyone was getting it, until I did it to a guy who was spinning a sign on a street corner.  "Did that guy just give me the shocker?  Did you see that?" 

At 3rd edition I spent most of my time talking to IHOV (International House of Vagina, not to be confused with HOV, High Occupancy Vagina) and it had nothing to do with the fact that she was only wearing latex.  Really.  I was just beginning to get settled in when trail started again.  This was a blur.  I know we continued down M for awhile.  I know that I walked arm-in-arm with Certified (in her saran-wrap dress, you go girl) and I know that So Hot stopped to take a picture with a cop, in his car.  I know that we ended up at what I thought was the convention area of a hotel, that actually was a shriner's hall.  I know that there was a dance floor.  I remember doing the double dutch.  For those of you who don't know this new dance craze, let me explain it to you, and tell you also that it was invented by White Kane.  Two people stand facing each other about 8 feet apart.  They pretend to be spinning two jump ropes, double dutch style, and looking like they are dancing.  Then, random people "jump in" and pretend to be jumping the invisible ropes, as over the top as possible.  A circle of spectators will form, some of them not realizing the process, to which you must yell "YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE JUMPING ROPE!"  Some will pretend to jump rope as if they are holding the rope themselves, and I find this to be extremely funny. 

Now we are getting into an area of haziness.  I remember taking a cab to a party on Q st.  I remember eating some chicken and being convinced that I was going to get salmonella.  I remember walking up when Kane was talking to a bunch of people and asking one of them "Is he talking about the war of 1812 AGAIN?"  I remember trying to be funny by telling a couple of guys to lower the voice, and after they lowered it telling them again.  I wanted to get them whispering, but one of the guys didn't think this was funny, and he was from the "neighborhood."  I remember dodging him the rest of the night.  I remember walking up to random guys and whispering to them that Crack Spackler had the hots for them.  I also remember waking up at So Hot's on the couch downstairs at about 3 am, swearing my head was in a vice.

I didn't know where the painkillers were, and my head hurt so bad I started moaning "Oh God" over and over again.  Poke Her Cabana was sleeping on the couch upstairs and a) heard me, and b) knew that I was downstairs alone with Kane.  I can only imagine what was going through her mind at that time, especially since she admitted the next day that she couldn't tell if they were moans of pleasure or pain.

When I decided to crash on So Hot's couch (thanks for the hospitality) I didn't realize I would be waking up to eggs with cheese and mushrooms and piping hot cornbread.  It was like a B&B, Hotel de So Hot.  I would have been living like a king if it weren't for the ferocity of my pounding head.  I made it to kickball though, which was a victory in itself.  THE END

This is a sad commentary

Where to attack next?

So... Uninspired

Quick, someone give me a topic.

You are never going to believe this...

...in a million years.  Have you ever heard that if you put a monkey at a typewriter for long enough he will produce the Lord's prayer?  This story is kind of like that, only imagine that odds of that monkey coming up with it on his first go around.  Here it goes:

Tracy and I went to DC101 Blocktoberfest in Arlington on Saturday.  I don't know how many people attended, but it had to be in the thousands. For those of you who will ask "Was it a good time?" I will tell you that all of the bands seemed to be cover bands, they only served Budweiser, and there was a $20 cover.  If that is your scene, then yes, it was fun.  Anyway, back to the story.  Tracy refused to use the "Don's Johns" all day.  Every time she had to go, she would go all the way into the mall.  Finally, on a whim, she relented and decided to use one.  She found a purse in it.  We quickly stripped all of the money and credit cards from the purse and threw it in the trash.  Just kidding.  We looked inside for contact information, and decided to call the pharmacy number on a prescription we found in the purse.  The pharmacy called her and left a message, telling her my phone #, so at around 11:00 this morning she finally calls, and it went like this:

Angie:  Hey, I understand you found my purse!  Thank you...

Me:  Don't mention it, it was my pleasure.

Angie:  Well I would like to come pick it up, what is good for you?

Me:  I have to be at a kickball game at 12:45, could you come by there?

Angie:  Wait...  do you play at Lake Fairfax?

Me: Yes...

Angie:  Oh my God I play at Lake Fairfax today too...

Me:  What is your team name?!

Angie:  Scoregasm!

Me:  MY TEAM IS PLAYING YOUR TEAM THIS AFTERNOON.

This was the point where I actually experience a schizophrenic break from reality, one of those "I have got to be dreaming this" experiences.  The first three times I told this story this Sunday all the hair on my forearms stood up.  I really wish I knew a statistician who could calculate the odds of something like this happening.  My only question is this, if something like this can happen to me, why can't I win the lottery?

Scientists Glimpse Beyond Big Bang

Scientists at NASA have finally constructed the the most powerful telescope ever built, the Deep Space Penetrator.  Friday this telescope sent back it's first glimpses of what occured BEFORE, and BEYOND the big bang.  "Every time we look up into deep space we are actually looking back in time."  Astronautical scientist Egbert Watkins explains.  "The light we see in our telescope lens is not only from 15 billion light years away, but also from 15 billion years ago.  We looked that far back in time and actually made a startling discovery."  This discovery is one that will rock the core of science, religion and philosophy, and change the way we view our world.  "Um, our entire universe is uh... actually completely contained in uh...  speck of dust on a ... on a ... Black Sabbath poster in a teenager's bedroom."  NASA scientists were rocked by the discovery.  "It appears that what we have been calling the big bang was actually a discharge of static electricity when the dust made contact with the poster in this youngster's room.  We all, here at NASA, have different interpretations about what this discovery means for the human race, but we all do agree on one important thing:  We have got to develop a method to keep this young man from cleaning his room."  NASA does not yet have a theory on how to do this.  "What a little Lemon Pledge could do to the Milky Way, let alone our entire Universe, would be catastrophic."

Balls and All’s Highlight Reel

For those of you who don't know, Hashers can play kickball too.  Here is the highlight reel from Sunday's game:  "Balls and All" (our team) vs. TBD.

Team Captain Gets Off Easy took the field with sleeves rolled up in typical “intimidator” style.  She came to play, only to be disappointed that her team had already won, team TBD didn’t have enough girls to qualify.

Rodeo F*ck’s pitching was excellent, but a rock (or some other object invisible to the naked eye) kept forcing his pitches off to the left of the plate and into ball territory.

Welvin from TBD while on 3^rd tried to inspire the kicker with a rallying cry “C’mon Phil, no whammies, big money,” to no avail, Phil fouled out to end the inning and Welvin never did make it home.

Lactose Tolerant played shortstop and in an unprecedented move caught the ball and ran to personally tag out the runner on the first base line. 

TBD kicked a foul ball while Metro Ho was on first.  Chris threw the ball to tag her out and hit her in the head.  Metro Ho then admirably tried (and unfortunately failed) to argue herself to second.  (There is a no head shot rule, but it didn't count because it was a foul ball.)

We’ve Got a Bleeder was having a hard time kicking the ball outside of foul territory.  Lon, the referee told him “You aren’t factoring in the Earth’s rotation.”  Bleeder made base on the very next kick, thanks to Lon, (and some tricky calculations.)

Balls and All traveled with their own fans this game, KP and Anal.  Anal came with CoaCoaS and KP rolled up in his jeep (top down), unfolded a camp hammock and got in some rays.  His only complaint was that there weren’t any hot dogs or sodas offered.  Bleeder suggested that he should open a stand for the next game. 

I’d Rather ran from 2^nd to 3^rd and while trying to take 3^rd base and dodge the ball at the same time, performed a move now known as the “Sister F*cker.”  This move involves running from 2^nd to 3^rd hunched over like you are running for the helicopters on M*A*S*H* and then turning and sliding with your leg out to tag 3^rd base. 

CoaCoaS scored a run and couldn’t stop running, after all, it was his first run scored in a kickball game in 23 years.

While playing right field Just Marc (who registered 20 minutes before the game in typical Just Marc style) was surprised by a kick to deep right field from Adam.  He found himself sprinting with arms outstretched like a cross between Frankenstein’s monster and the Flash.  He got the ball and threw it just in time to keep the runner from taking home.

Balls and All won the game 9-3 (forfeits?  We don’t need no stinking forfeits) and declared that Metro Ho and Roofie tied for MVP.  They had showed up despite having a very late night on Saturday, (at Fagnostic’s party) and without them the game would have been a double forfeit.

Failure

1.) Go to www.google.com
2.) Type in the word "failure" without the quotes
3.) Press the I'm feeling lucky button (this returns the #1 site)
4). Laugh

The Inkblot Post

One problem with our media, or us

Our media outlets realize that humans, for the most part, like drama.  Humans like things they can talk about at the water cooler.  One example is Kanye West's rant during the Hurricane Relief Telethon.  The subjects of his rant were the following photos:

Many were outraged by these captions, seemingly proving that the media was depicting events with a racial bias.  People were upset, they had something to talk about, I was one of them.  What our media does not provide, is resolution.  Did anyone hear as much furor about the subsequent interviewing of the two photographers that took these photos?  Did anyone hear that the man in the top picture was actually witnessed taking (I refuse to use the term stealing) the food he was carrying?  Did anyone hear that the couple in the bottom picture had taken the food from the water it was floating in without actually entering a store?  I would like to know why we never heard the resolution to this story.  My guess is that the resolution isn't as sensational as the accusation.  For more info I recommend the snopes article, or even this article from SouthCoastToday.  I am glad I figured out, at least in this case, that our media is not operating with a racial bias.  What I can't figure out is whether we as consumers, or the media as providers are to blame for our sensationalism as a country. 

I used to habitually check the "Most Popular News" link on Yahoo news every day, just to see what was going on.  There was a story that ran in that category for several days, "Fats Domino Missing in New Orleans."  The story that didn't run in this category, EVER, was the article headlined "Fats Domino Rescued."  If someone like myself had only looked at the popular news, he or she would STILL think Fats Domino was missing.    In this instance we as consumers are definitely the ones to blame.  Users rank those stories by either viewing them (in one category) or ranking them (in another.)  I wonder when and how we will ever have a media that gives us the WHOLE STORY.

Not really news...

Sweet!

Napoleon Dynamite and Pedro are doing all the ads for the Utah state fair.  For those of you who don't know, that movie was made by BYU students.  Be sure to check out "Napoleon's sweet ads" at the bottom left!

http://www.utah-state-fair.com/

Bush's Challenge

Daddy, how do I work and vacation at the same time?  Well son, I have an idea...

And that is how George went on his first "Workation."

Creepy Avatar

Certs says my Avatar on Yahoo Messenger is creepy...  Do you agree?  Here it is...

Merkin 9 to 5

OK, time to pick myself up and post. 

Friday - had a blast.  We all met up at Metro Ho's house for a pre lube before going to Sully's for a band called Junk Food.  Tupperware was on the dance floor when a rather large girl started freaking her from behind.  Tuppy turns around to find this girl is wearing a low cut blouse, and her boobs are actually popping out.

Tuppy: "Hey, your boobs are popping out like Wack-A-Mole."

Girl:  "That's OK, they do that a lot."

Tuppy: (While slapping at the girls boobs) "Whack-A-Mole! Whack-A-Mole!"

I was mostly holding up walls.  I don't like live bands much, so I staked out a table far enough from the dance floor to where I could hear myself think, and hear Tuppy getting hit on by some old guy.  He had on a camouflage hat, and so I stood on the other side of Tuppy feeding her questions like "Ask him if he brings home the venison."  I think he would have made a good husband, but Tupperware probably wouldn't have adjusted well to having to de-gut deer all the time.  I would LOVE to see that. 

So next we are in the car.  I am taking Kane and Metro back to her house.

Me:  I have to get up in the morning pretty early.  I am going to the Nats Game (Saw a souvenir shirt: Everybody loves deez Nats) with Certified.  I have to work out beforehand.

Metro:  James, why are you going to the gym?  Girls don't like boys that go to the gym.  I mean Kane gets a lot of @ss...

Kane:  WAIT.  Are you saying I am fat?

Metro: No, I was just saying because...  Uh..  you get a lot of action for ...  a guy that is so...  uh .. quiet.

(Conversation interrupted by arrival at Taco Bell speaker)

Kane asks for a #6 and an empanada.  I order it, and he corrects me.. "Caramel Apple Empanada."  I repeat it into the speaker, and order Metro's food.  The guy reads it back, and Kane says, with a little panic in his voice.. "He didn't say empanada."  I finally get the guy straightened out, and as soon as we get the food, Kane checks to make sure the empanada is actually there.  Good news, it is. 

So at that moment, it is pretty clear to me that Kane has his heart set on that empanada, in the same way a kid gets his heart set on something.  I picture him eating his #6, all the time thinking about that empanada.  We drive back, all the time Kane and I trying to convince Metro that she called Kane fat, all the while she is trying to convince us that we got it wrong.  It was hilarious.  So we get back to Metro's.  I turn around, and who the $%^& do you guess is eating the empanada?!!  Metro, that's who.  I say something, and the look that crossed her face was a cross between anger at me, fear of Kane, and a decision to panic.  She started to run but Kane got her first, and I swear to God, starts giving her the Heimlich.  It was classic. 

Saturday, Certs and I go to the Nats Game.  Great time.  No one scores a run for like 5 innings so we go to get food.  The braves score 4 runs while we are gone.  We come back to our seats and sit out the rest of the game, no one scores.  After the game we go to KP and Udder's for Thanksgiving dinner.  He deep fried a turkey in the driveway.  It was great.  We actually performed Kane's new dance called Double Dutch.  It takes three people.  The two people on either side whirl their arms like they have jump ropes, and someone has to jump in the middle and do double dutch, and try to stay on rhythm with the music.  It was a big hit. 

I introduced myself to a couple of girls, and when I told them my hash name they would shudder.  So I decided that instead of saying "We've Got a Bleeder" I would say "Weave."

Me: "Hi, I'm Weave."

Girl: "How did you get that name, do you have a Merkin?"

At first it took me awhile to figure out what she was saying.  A merkin sounds like George Bush saying "American."  (I will chuckle when I hear him say it now, and I understand that in some overseas places 'Merkin is a derogatory slang term for Americans)

This girl explains to me that a Merkin is a pubic wig (which I don't have.)  Evidently, this got started with prostitutes in the 19th century.  When they got crabs they would have to shave, but the Brazilian wasn't in then, so they would get Merkins.  She told me that she wanted to get a hash name, and if she came out to my group, I would nominate her for "Merkin' for the Weekend."  I imagined a whole catalog of Merkins.  The weekday Merkin (Merkin 9 to 5) which would be like a more formal piece, and then the "night out" Merkin (Merkin for the Weekend.)  She said that they are really big in Europe, and the possibilities are endless.  Tuxedo Merkin...  Football Jersey Merkin...

So Sunday we played our first game of kickball in the World Adult Kickball Association.  Our team is "Balls and All."  We lost 5-1, but we played the most experienced team.  It was good that we played them first, we got to see some good techniques, that we will now use to our advantage.  The cool thing is that you play for 45 min and then go to Carpool.  They usually aren't open on Sundays until 4, but they open up for the kickballers.  All the teams go there after the game and you get to socialize, lay on the couches and watch football.  Our team may have lost the game, but we definitely won the bar competition in two categories.  "Most alcohol consumed by a team" and "Most Man/Hours put in at the bar."  We lost the "Last Man" category to the pitcher of the opposing team.  We had a few guys that were going to go to White House and hash, so we did a little experiment.  We found out that it takes 4 beers before "Just Do It" becomes "Just Screw It." 

After that, I went to the gym, and like a good son, had Sunday dinner with Moms.  I noticed that she had some cereal bars called "Sweet and Salty Nut."  I started laughing, and she asks me why.  A little background.  My mom and I have a deal.  If she is ever unfamiliar with a slang term that could lead to her embarrassment, I am to explain it to her so she can avoid said embarrassment.  This stemmed from a time when she confronted me with "How come you never told me what a queef was?"  It seemed to happen in slow motion.  I explained to her that her premise meant that I had to tell her every slang term I know, and then inform her every time I learned a new one.  She said that was fine, and I told her to ask Marc.  Not long after that we were at dinner with Marc and my friend Chris.  She brought up our conversation.  Marc and Chris were more than happy to oblige.  IT WAS A LONG DINNER, but now my mom knows about donkey punch, shocker, rusty trombone, steaming hot Cleveland Carl, a pearl necklace, blumpkin, etc.  Man, that WAS a long dinner.

So anyway, to cap off my weekend, I patiently explained to my mom all of the implications of "Sweet and Salty Nut."  I explained that nut can be a noun for a man's anatomy, and that it can be a verb for the act of well, you know, and that it can be a noun for the end product of, well, you know.  I explained that sometimes that end result (I have heard) can taste like what a man's been eating, usually sweet or salty, sometimes bitter, or it can even be spicy. I even used it in a sentence "Monica Lewinsky enjoys an occasional..."  After all that, all my Mom said to me was "Well, you should try one, they are delicious."

Shocker!

Proof that you can look up ANYTHING on wikipedia.

Naming Convention

Okay, so last night was the night.  I have been hanging with Hashers since, I don't know, around October of last year.  Last night I "hared" my first trail.  For those of you unfamiliar with Hashing, it involves a hare who gets a 15 minute head start.  The hare leaves a trail of flour for the rest of the pack to follow.  The pack is trying to catch the hare.  This makes the running that much more enjoyable because you don't know where the trail will take you.  The trail I laid led the pack across a creek that was 3 inches above my knee.  To be named by the "So Happy It's Tuesday" group, you have to hare a trail.  Last night I was named.

The week leading up to the trail was pretty interesting.  Everyone I would ask about haring would inevitably mention a guy named Rodeo F*ck.  "With guys like Rodeo, you have to throw a lot of false intersections.  He is that fast..." etc.  I thought people had to be exaggerating.  I had been laying trail for 15 minutes when I finished.  The lead hare (I'd Rather F*ck My Sister) was pretty spot on with his time calculations.  I happened to be at the spot where my leg of the trail ended and his began, and I saw some of the runners come by.  The first one was Rodeo, at precisely 7:20.  It took him 5 minutes to traverse what took me 15 minutes to lay, and my trail only had one false leg.  Oh, I forgot to mention, he was running on a bum ankle.  Anyway, out of all 5 people who were eligible for a naming I was the only one named last night, which made me feel good.  So in the So Happy It's Tuesday Hash, and in all the Hashing world with the exception of Great Falls I will be now known as "We've Got a Bleeder."

The On-On was great, with one exception.  So Hot I'll Turn You Gay was playing with a yo-yo when she was accosted by one of the bartenders.  This guy tells her to put her yo-yo away in the most condescending way possible.  I am on this one like a cheap suit.  "Why?" I ask.  This guy (and I still can't believe this) says condescendingly "If that string breaks and that yo-yo bounces and hits someone, it'll be my lawsuit and not yours."  My reply: "Yeah, that could get costly."  So Hot and I promptly grabbed two steak knives on the table and pretended to have a knife fight, and no one seemed to have a problem with that.  If he had come back, maybe we would have had to tell him to "Beat it."

Certified's 80's Party

For Cert's 80's party I decided I would be unique.  Instead of dressing like I was in THE 80's, I dressed like I was in MY 80's.  I had it all planned out.  I bought silver hair paint, a fedora, and an eyeglass chain.  I had a cane, and I drew vericose veins on my calves, just above my black socks (pulled all the way up) and brown sandals.  The only missing accessory was a "#1 Grandpa" T-shirt.  I checked every place I could think of in the area and was disappointed that I couldn't find it.  I guess no one in the area loves Grandpa, at least not enough to get him a goofy shirt. 

Even though my Doctor told me not to binge anymore, I had to do it, it was Cert's 80's party!  By 1 a.m.  So Hot I'll Turn You Gay and I had decided to see what was going on in the bedrooms.  We popped in Alli's room and fell on the bed (pretending to hook up) and landed right on top of Alli's mom.  I found out that my "buddy" Marc knew that her mom was sleeping in there the whole time, and was watching from the bottom of the stairs.  I guess that was payback for stealing his car keys from his desk at work and parking his car across two spaces...  By about 3 in the a.m. I was singing my rendition of Georgia on my mind:

Georgia,

Georgia,

The whole day through..

Fill my heart with gladness,

Take away all my sadness,

You ease my troubles, that's what you do.

I got this retarded neighbor

Honestly, I hate to use the term retarded, because what if she really is retarded?  It is bad to call someone retarded if they really are, but if you are insulting one of your friends, it is cool, right?  I don't mind using the term "got" though, because anyone who knows me knows, I am street.  I don't have things, I got things, BETTA RECOGNIZE.  So anyway, to be politically correct, I have this neighbor of questionable non-retardedness.  I come home, and the ass end of her vehicle is always on the line dividing our parking spots.  I have always thought I would like to leave a mean note.  The problem with that is that she never puts the ass end of her vehicle in anyone's spot but mine.  This fact would enable even a person of questionable non-retardedness to deduce that I was the one that left the note. 

Okay, her car is always up in my space.  This is bad.  How does one negotiate with someone of questionable non-retardedness?  What options do I have?  What are my courses of action?  At first I thought to myself, "Lets gather clues."  Who is this person?  How do I communicate with her?  I came home one night and peered into her car and saw a blockbuster movie.  It was called "My First Mister."  This terrified me, because for some reason it sounded like a movie that a really needy person would rent.  I imagined me communicating with her in an unfriendly way, only to have her to latch on to me in some questionably non-retarded way.  I couldn't go there.  I am going to look up that movie right now, hang on. Okay, I am back, thanks for waiting.  Here is the description: "Jennifer, a solitary and defiant 17-year-old girl, takes a job in an upscale clothing store despite misgivings about her finicky middle-aged boss, Randall. Much to her surprise, she finds herself slowly forging a relationship with the older man and is forever transformed by the experience."  So, give it to me straight, can I tell this b*tch off?

My muse: A bar called snooze

I am in the left turn lane at a red light turning into my work when I realize that I am behind one of the guys from my building.  He drives a nice black Acura TL.  The guy has a great sense of humor and I am thinking it would be cool to mess with him a little bit.  As we make the turn, I zoom right up on his bumper and start flashing my lights a little bit, even honking my horn.  He flips me off, playing right into our little prank on the other cars around us.  I start driving more aggressively and he speeds up a little bit, and then just as I am catching up he slams on his brakes, and I have to slam on mine to avoid rear-ending him.  This is great drama.  I can't really see his face but I am betting he is laughing his @ss off.  People around us are freaking out, and I am loving it. We make the second right, and he gets in the left lane, although our office is on the right pretty soon.  I am thinking I will pull up next to him, and as soon I am even with him I look over and am really surprised to see THAT IT WAS SOME OTHER GUY.  There is another guy in the car that obviously is not my friend, and he is staring at me like he wants to kill me. 

He makes a left and I am freaking out, thinking "I have got to let this guy know that I am just kidding."  I turn in after him and follow him to his parking spot.  He gets out of the car, and I roll the window down to tell him about the misunderstanding when I realize he has something in his hand.  I step on it in reverse and just barely dodge a flying 32 oz slurpee hurdling at my car.  Now I am moving backwards and he is running towards my car.  I have to keep backing up in reverse to get away from this PSYCHO.  I am moving just faster than he can run, dividing my visual attention between him and my rear view mirror.  I finally get to where I have enough control to drive fast enough to where he realizes he is not going to catch me, and I am relieved to see him stop running and start giving me obscene hand gestures.  My tension finally releases but as I look in my rear view mirror I see THERE IS A CAR THERE.  I almost slam into it, after stomping on my brakes and creating a big cloud of black smoke.  Holy sh*t my heart is beating a thousand miles an hour.  So the lady behind me gets out of her car, walks up, and just I am about to apologize she throws a venti iced half-caff soy latte with sugar-free hazelnut syrup into my car, and it blows up all over me.  So she speeds away, and I have to go home and change, thankful to be alive.  That's why I was late to work, I swear.